Investing Crash Course - Because “Get Rich Quick” is a Scam (But “Get Rich Eventually” Isn’t)

Well, well, well… look who finally decided to stop treating your bank account like a black hole where money goes to die. Congrats! You’re already ahead of the 75% of Americans who think “investing is just something rich guys can do and succeed at.”¹ 

But before you start daydreaming about your early retirement on a private island, let’s get one thing straight: investing is NOT just some magic goose that will give you golden eggs instantly—it’s a slow, steady game where patience beats luck every time. In other words, it’s not “retiring at 25” like that one TikTok Finance Guru swears is possible (spoiler: it’s not). 

So, let’s break it down without the boring finance jargon.

What Even Is Investing? (Not Just for Wall Street Cosplayers)

Investing = using your money to make more money. Instead of letting your cash rot in a savings account (losing value to inflation like a forgotten avocado in your fridge), you put it to work. Think of it as hiring your dollars to hit the gym so Future You can retire before your knees give out.

Why You NEED to Invest (Unless You Love Working Forever)

If your plan is to save your way to wealth, I’ve got bad news: that’s like trying to fill a swimming pool with a teaspoon. Investing is how you build long-term wealth, period. The stock market has historically increased despite the wars, “recessions”, and whatever Elon Musk tweets next. For instance, the S&P 500 has delivered an average annual return of about 10% over the past 20 years, even accounting for market downturns and economic crises.²

Bottom line: If you ever want to stop working, you need to invest.

Types of Investments (A.K.A. Your Money-Making Options)

1. 💰 Stocks – The "I Own a Slice of a Company" Flex ⤵️

   1. How it works: Buy shares of companies (like Apple or Tesla). If they grow, so does your money. If they crash… well, I hope you like adrenaline.

   2. Best for: Long-term growth, drama lovers.

2. 📜 Bonds ⤵️

   1. You’re basically loaning money to a company or the government. They pay you back with a little extra. Less risky than stocks, but also less exciting.

3. 📦 ETFs/Mutual Funds ⤵️

   1. Think of these as the sampler platter of investing. Instead of betting on one stock like it’s a horse race, you’re buying a package deal put together by a seasoned bettor—a bundler of different horses (companies or bonds) that are all running the race together.

   2. That way, if one horse stumbles, the others can still carry your portfolio across the finish line. 🐎📈

   3. Some are actively managed (meaning pros in suits try to pick the winners and beat the market), while others are passively managed—just tracking a major index like the S&P 500 (which tends to be the real MVP over the long run).

4. 🔀 Active vs. Passive Investing:

   1. Active Investing – Fancy fund managers trying to outsmart the market. Sometimes they do, but they also charge higher fees. Think of it like hiring a personal trainer when you could just do push-ups for free.

   2. Passive Investing – Just tracks the market, low fees, no drama. Works better over time for most people.

5. 🏡 Alternative Investments – AKA, the “Let’s Get Fancy” category:

   1. Real Estate – Buy property, rent it out, or flip it for profit. Hope you like dealing with tenants.

   2. Crypto – The wild west of investing. Bitcoin could make you rich… or make you cry. Proceed with caution.

   3. Gold & Commodities – For the doomsday preppers who think cash will one day be worthless.

   4. Private Investments – Investing in startups or private companies before they go public. High risk, high reward—usually for the well-connected or high-net-worth crowd.

How to Start Investing (Without Screwing It Up)

Step 1: Set Your Goals (Spoiler: It’s Retirement)

We’re focusing on retirement savings because, unless you have a rich uncle ready to hand you an inheritance, you’re gonna need a plan.

Step 2: Pick a Beginner-Friendly Platform

• Fidelity, Vanguard, Schwab – Trusted, reputable, and won’t try to gamify investing like a casino.

• Robinhood – Fun, easy, but has a bit of a “Wild West” vibe. Use with caution.

Step 3: Start Small (Seriously, You Don’t Need Thousands)

• Even $50 a month is better than nothing.

• Ideally, set aside 10-15% of your income for retirement—your future self will thank you.

Step 4: Set Your Asset Allocation (AKA, How Risky Should You Be?)

When you’re young, you can afford to take more risks because you have time to bounce back from market dips. But that doesn’t mean you should gamble on individual stocks or risk it all on options. Instead, think about diversifying—spread your investments across different assets, sectors, and regions to minimize risk.

A typical young investor allocation could look like this:

1. 📈 90-100% stocks (via stock ETFs) – For long-term growth, but diversified across both domestic and international markets. Think broadly, not just one stock.

2. 🏦 0-10% bonds – To add some stability in case the stock market has a hiccup.

Know Your Risk Tolerance!

If watching your portfolio drop 20% makes you break into a cold sweat, maybe don’t go all-in on crypto. Matter of fact, don’t go all-in on one thing, ever heard the saying “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket”?

Note: Most banks offer risk tolerance quizzes for investing. So that is always an option.

💡 Ready to see where you stand? 💡

Diversification: Don’t Put All Your Eggs in One Basket (Unless You Like Losing Money)

A well-diversified portfolio is like a well-balanced diet. You wouldn’t eat only pizza (okay, bad example), so don’t invest in just one thing.

Easy Diversified ETF Options:

1. 📊 Total Market ETFs (VT – Vanguard Total World Stock) – Own a piece of everything.

2. 📅 Retirement Target Date Funds (e.g., Vanguard Target Retirement 2060 Fund) – Auto-adjusts as you age, set it and forget it.

3. 📜 Bond ETFs (BND – Vanguard Total Bond Market) – Because not everything should be a rollercoaster.

Common Mistakes to Avoid

💀 Trying to time the market – Even experts can’t do this, and they have fancy degrees, expensive suits, and way more caffeine in their system than you do. Go in with the mindset of being in it for the long haul—because unless you own a time machine (and if you do, we need to talk), you can’t predict the market. Pick investments you actually care about, so you don’t lose sleep every time the stock ticker wobbles.

🤡 Letting emotions drive decisions – FOMO is not a strategy; it’s just your brain tricking you into financial self-sabotage. Just because your one friend—yeah, that guy—has an uncanny ability to time the market like some Wall Street wizard once doesn’t mean you should try to outdo him by dumping your life savings into some tiny, unheard-of company because he “swears it’s gonna hit.” Spoiler alert: it won’t.

🧐 Not doing your research – If you wouldn’t marry someone without knowing their last name, maybe don’t throw your money into an investment without understanding what it genuinely does. Do you honestly know how that crypto coin works, or do you just like the futuristic-sounding name? (Be honest.) If you can’t explain your investment to a 10-year-old without sounding like you’re making it up, maybe it’s time to do some homework first.

Find the best credit card for you with JoinLuci’s personalized recommendation tool – so you can start funding your new investing hobby with great rewards and Cash Back!